Three Minutes in Hell

Leah never wanted to go speed dating, it was Madison’s idea, but Leah was too nice to tell her best friend that she thought speed dating was the stupidest thing to come from modern society since the Selfie. Reluctantly, Leah agreed to make a “girl’s night” of it.

The first five men were what you might expect to meet when speed dating.

#1 George reeked of Rogain.

#2 Seth was so deep in the closet that he was dancing with moths.

#3 Chad showed her his membership card to 18+ Playland.

#4 Norman, a soon-to-be rockstar, explained that even his landlord believed in the band, in fact, she had believed in him from the day she brought him home from the hospital.

#5 Kyle, showed Leah pictures of his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Anna.  All Leah could do was to smile at the pictures of Anna and the kids, and explain that: no she didn’t understand what Anna’s note meant either.

Now #6 was walking up to her. He was dressed in a blue vest, a green shirt, and a purple tie. Great Leah thought Another Seth.

He was standing with his arms wide, just begging for a hug. Leah walked into his open arms careful to clutch her purse to her chest so he couldn’t sneak a feel.

In polite society, after a man hugs a woman, and she precedes to back out of the hug, that man does not keep his hand on the small of the woman’s back. Batchelor #6 apparently never learned this simple rule.

“How are you?” he asked.

Get your hand off me “Good you?”

“Just great baby”

Move your hand! “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Leah.”

“Leah? Really, my first time was with a Joanna, practically the same name.”

Not even close creep-o, move the hand! She looked over at Madison. Madison looked like she was getting along with her date. Only three minutes she told herself, then you never see this jerk again.

“Don’t worry babe” He said patting her back, “Some guys may say your fat, but in my book, you are a perfect ten!”

Your hand – my back – move – NOW! Madison, you are taking me out for ice cream after this!

“Name’s Harold and angel, I’m here to make you sing.”

Leah moved to the table and motioned for Harold to join her.

“Tell me about yourself, Harold.”

“People say I’m a ladies man, Don’t get me wrong: I like to have fun, but I’m deep and sh–.”

Yeah sure, Leah remembered that the other lecher she’d met tonight: Chad was turned off by her astrological sign “So, I’m a Cancer.”

“Wow, I thought you people lost your hair!”

“No, Cancer the crab.”

“Crabs can cause cancer? Holy Fu–!”

All Leah could do was sigh, sure that everyone in a ten-miles radius was looking at them.

“Please!” the moderator shushed “We like to keep our dates a pleasant experience for everyone.”

“It won’t happen again.” Leah flashed a reassuring smile. Though it took all her strength Leah turned back to face Harold “I’m a CPA, how about you?”

“That sounds nasty, that can’t be good for your cancer, I had herpes once.”

Leah cleared her throat, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a car dealer, right now.” he brushed his thick wavy flaxen locks like the porn star he thought he was.

Suddenly, Harold’s cell phone rang. “Oh” Harold glanced at the caller ID “I’m sorry I have to take this.”

“Hello, Mom. . . Yes, I’m there now . . . I don’t know Mom. . . Alright, I’ll ask” Harold dropped the phone 40⁰ so it hung just below his chin. Harold looked directly at Leah and asked her a very important question.

It’s the kind of question that little girls who grow up to be nuns never hear. It’s the kind of question that every woman must hear to say that she has truly experienced life. It is a question that cannot be answered on a whim. It was three little words, but somehow it was more than that. Perhaps that was why Leah was so unprepared when Harold asked: “Are you Catholic?”

Bell ring now “No I’m actually Jewish”

“She’s Jewish Ma. . . Yes. . . Mom. . . I know Mom, but. . . Yes, Mom. . . but Mom it’s not like she killed Christ.”

Please God let the bell ring now!

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